I am grateful....
that Disneyland offers wheelchair rentals
for my husband who was willing to push the wheelchair in the 100+ degree heat
for a week with my mom
for people that care even if they aren't sure how to express it
for people who have never experienced an extended illness, but try to understand anyway
for hot baths
and hot coffee (super yummy no sugar added Pumpkin Spice Latte at The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf)
that I am NEVER without hope
that nothing is ever wasted with Jesus - Romans 8:28
today, I am especially grateful that my Jesus is greater that Lyme disease and any other sickness that is trying to bring me down
Friday, October 5, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Today
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34
I've spent much time crying out to the Lord this week. I've asked for His help, His strength, His direction and, as always, His healing. There is a verse that came across my path three times, in three different ways: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest..." Matthew 11:28
This is something that I long for; I desire rest. It's hard to be sick and to care for small kids. Rest is not a big part of the program for them; my kids like to go. I asked the Lord to help me understand what that rest looks like for me. He showed me that a big source of anxiety for me is looking at the future: How will I get up and care for the kids tomorrow, how will I make to pick up my son from school, are my kids going to get sick if I feed them this processed food because I'm too sick to cook from scratch, will their IQ's drop because I allow them more media than I would if I was well, will I be this sick next week, next month, next year? (I know some of these questions might sound silly, but I'm trying to be real here)
My friend, I don't know what tomorrow looks like for you, I don't know what anxieties you have, but I know that the only answer is looking to Jesus today. I know that there are questions you want answered, but I know that dwelling on those questions will bring anxiety, not peace. Will you join me in resting, in looking to the only one who has grace enough for today? He will hold us and comfort us. Let's trust Him today.
I've spent much time crying out to the Lord this week. I've asked for His help, His strength, His direction and, as always, His healing. There is a verse that came across my path three times, in three different ways: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest..." Matthew 11:28
This is something that I long for; I desire rest. It's hard to be sick and to care for small kids. Rest is not a big part of the program for them; my kids like to go. I asked the Lord to help me understand what that rest looks like for me. He showed me that a big source of anxiety for me is looking at the future: How will I get up and care for the kids tomorrow, how will I make to pick up my son from school, are my kids going to get sick if I feed them this processed food because I'm too sick to cook from scratch, will their IQ's drop because I allow them more media than I would if I was well, will I be this sick next week, next month, next year? (I know some of these questions might sound silly, but I'm trying to be real here)
Why
do I keep worrying about the future?! Hasn't God shown Himself
faithful? He has gotten me through every day the last two years. Some
days gracefully and some quite clumsily. But, He has been faithful!
Yet, I still get myself so worked up...why this setback, what should I
do, why am I not further along in my healing from Lyme disease? I don't
know the answer to any of these questions. But, I have a loving Father
who knows the answers; I can trust Him. I can stop working myself up
with these questions and entrust Him with my healing, the timing and how
to get through the days until I am healed.
“Look around you and be distressed, look within you and be depressed. Look to Jesus, and be at rest.” Corrie Ten BoomMy friend, I don't know what tomorrow looks like for you, I don't know what anxieties you have, but I know that the only answer is looking to Jesus today. I know that there are questions you want answered, but I know that dwelling on those questions will bring anxiety, not peace. Will you join me in resting, in looking to the only one who has grace enough for today? He will hold us and comfort us. Let's trust Him today.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Don't Give Up
For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls. Hebrews 12:3
There are times, when I have exhausted all hope and comfort that I can find. When I pray, the Holy Spirit is very quiet. Today is one of those times. Two and a half weeks ago, my oldest came home from school sick. There had been a virus going around in his class. I was up a couple of nights with him and his fever. A few days later, my youngest had the same virus. Hers took the form of a croupy cough that made her gag and vomit. So, I was up quite a bit with her. At the same time, my husband got the same virus. He's pretty tough, but this is a bad one, so he wasn't able to help much those days. A few days later, I had the same virus. Then, my son's turned into an ear infection...more nights of no sleep.
I can't say for sure, but I think that the combination of lack of sleep and another acute virus, have wreaked havoc on me. I feel like I've been knocked backwards in my healing from Lyme. The aches, chills and exhaustion are back in full force. I cannot tell you how discouraging this is. I cannot think of facing the week ahead of me, caring for the kids on my own, making sure my kindergartener has everything he needs for school, trying to make meals and clean, etc...
BUT:
Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares [us], and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of [our] faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls. Hebrews 12:1-3
Do you know what I get from that passage? "Don't Give Up." When there is nothing else to say or do, when I cannot find help, God says, "Don't Give Up." There's a song by Misty Edwards, in which she sings, "Don't give up, don't give in. If you don't quit, you'll win, you'll win." That may seem simple to some, but to me it is profound, it's all I have on days like today...don't give up.
And let us not be weary in well-doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. Galatians 6:9
I know some may read this and not be able relate to what I am saying. This may sound scary and depressing to some. But, for those of you who have been through prolonged trials, for those of you who have days when the light cannot seem to break through, I write this for you. My friend, what are you facing today? What circumstances are in front of you that rob you of hope and encouragement? What situation are you in that promises no change this side of eternity? When you have nowhere to turn, when you are at the end of everything that you know to do, will you join me in enduring? Keep going, keep looking at Jesus for in due season, we shall reap if we faint not.
There are times, when I have exhausted all hope and comfort that I can find. When I pray, the Holy Spirit is very quiet. Today is one of those times. Two and a half weeks ago, my oldest came home from school sick. There had been a virus going around in his class. I was up a couple of nights with him and his fever. A few days later, my youngest had the same virus. Hers took the form of a croupy cough that made her gag and vomit. So, I was up quite a bit with her. At the same time, my husband got the same virus. He's pretty tough, but this is a bad one, so he wasn't able to help much those days. A few days later, I had the same virus. Then, my son's turned into an ear infection...more nights of no sleep.
I can't say for sure, but I think that the combination of lack of sleep and another acute virus, have wreaked havoc on me. I feel like I've been knocked backwards in my healing from Lyme. The aches, chills and exhaustion are back in full force. I cannot tell you how discouraging this is. I cannot think of facing the week ahead of me, caring for the kids on my own, making sure my kindergartener has everything he needs for school, trying to make meals and clean, etc...
BUT:
Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares [us], and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of [our] faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls. Hebrews 12:1-3
Do you know what I get from that passage? "Don't Give Up." When there is nothing else to say or do, when I cannot find help, God says, "Don't Give Up." There's a song by Misty Edwards, in which she sings, "Don't give up, don't give in. If you don't quit, you'll win, you'll win." That may seem simple to some, but to me it is profound, it's all I have on days like today...don't give up.
And let us not be weary in well-doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. Galatians 6:9
I know some may read this and not be able relate to what I am saying. This may sound scary and depressing to some. But, for those of you who have been through prolonged trials, for those of you who have days when the light cannot seem to break through, I write this for you. My friend, what are you facing today? What circumstances are in front of you that rob you of hope and encouragement? What situation are you in that promises no change this side of eternity? When you have nowhere to turn, when you are at the end of everything that you know to do, will you join me in enduring? Keep going, keep looking at Jesus for in due season, we shall reap if we faint not.
Monday, September 10, 2012
One Thing Remains
We have had a terrible virus running through our home. The kindergartener brought it home, shared with his sister, then on to Daddy and lastly, me. I haven't slept much and am feeling worse than normal with this virus that seems lodged in my throat...ouch!
These are the times when I/we need the most encouragement. Yesterday, as I was driving to pick up the kids from our sweet babysitter (no date night, but a nap from mommy and daddy), this song came on the radio: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoezWBPGRAc
It's called "Your Love Never Fails." This version is by Chris Quilala. It reminded me of so many dark days, when I would listen to it over and over again. My favorite line is: "This one thing remains..." It would remind me that sickness can't last. But, the love of Jesus, I will have FOREVER.
So, listen and enjoy....
Whatever you are going through, it will not last forever, but the love of God will.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoezWBPGRAc
These are the times when I/we need the most encouragement. Yesterday, as I was driving to pick up the kids from our sweet babysitter (no date night, but a nap from mommy and daddy), this song came on the radio: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoezWBPGRAc
It's called "Your Love Never Fails." This version is by Chris Quilala. It reminded me of so many dark days, when I would listen to it over and over again. My favorite line is: "This one thing remains..." It would remind me that sickness can't last. But, the love of Jesus, I will have FOREVER.
So, listen and enjoy....
Whatever you are going through, it will not last forever, but the love of God will.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoezWBPGRAc
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Finally, Finally...an Irrefutable Diagnosis
Because You have been my help, Therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice.
My soul follows close behind You; Your right hand upholds me. Psalm 63:7-8
There is so much I want to say. Truly, I'm not even sure where to start. Do you know anyone who has ever cried tears of joy when finding out that they have a terrible disease? If not, you do now. Last Monday, I received my latest lab test results: The Western Blot IgM test for Lyme disease. It was positive by any standards. The Health Department even contacted my doctor about me. That was somehow validating.
I say "irrefutable" because I have been diagnosed with so many things that later proved to be incomplete or just wrong. I was first diagnosed with hypo-thyroid, then two parasite infections and an H.Pylori infection, then insufficient adrenal gland function, then mononucleosis, then Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, then Lupus which changed to Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease which changed to some type of Auto-Immune disease, Heavy Metal Poisoning, and then a Systemic Candida Infection. Some of these things were correct, but they were not "THE" problem. My understanding is that Lyme Disease is so overwhelming to the immune system, that other infections that the immune system usually keeps in check, are allowed to run rampant in the body. I was so tired of fighting all of these things and then still being sick. I prayed when I went to the lab a couple of weeks ago, that the results would be very clear, that I could know for sure whether I had Lyme disease or not. And the Lord surely answered that prayer.
There are so many other wonderful details involved. So many things that God did to bring me the answers I needed. But, I don't want to overwhelm anyone that reads this, so I will save those for another time. For now, I am so grateful to know what is making sick. I started treatment a while ago (part of those details) so I am starting to see slow improvement. I have a doctor here that I trust and we are moving forward with treatment.
Of course, it is terrible that I ever got Lyme Disease, that I ever got so sick. But, I am so, so grateful to finally know what is causing it. Thanks be to God who has worked miracles for me!
There is so much I want to say. Truly, I'm not even sure where to start. Do you know anyone who has ever cried tears of joy when finding out that they have a terrible disease? If not, you do now. Last Monday, I received my latest lab test results: The Western Blot IgM test for Lyme disease. It was positive by any standards. The Health Department even contacted my doctor about me. That was somehow validating.
I say "irrefutable" because I have been diagnosed with so many things that later proved to be incomplete or just wrong. I was first diagnosed with hypo-thyroid, then two parasite infections and an H.Pylori infection, then insufficient adrenal gland function, then mononucleosis, then Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, then Lupus which changed to Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease which changed to some type of Auto-Immune disease, Heavy Metal Poisoning, and then a Systemic Candida Infection. Some of these things were correct, but they were not "THE" problem. My understanding is that Lyme Disease is so overwhelming to the immune system, that other infections that the immune system usually keeps in check, are allowed to run rampant in the body. I was so tired of fighting all of these things and then still being sick. I prayed when I went to the lab a couple of weeks ago, that the results would be very clear, that I could know for sure whether I had Lyme disease or not. And the Lord surely answered that prayer.
There are so many other wonderful details involved. So many things that God did to bring me the answers I needed. But, I don't want to overwhelm anyone that reads this, so I will save those for another time. For now, I am so grateful to know what is making sick. I started treatment a while ago (part of those details) so I am starting to see slow improvement. I have a doctor here that I trust and we are moving forward with treatment.
Of course, it is terrible that I ever got Lyme Disease, that I ever got so sick. But, I am so, so grateful to finally know what is causing it. Thanks be to God who has worked miracles for me!
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Bless the Lord
Today is a hard day. I am facing many circumstances that I don't like. I'm left wondering why. When things are particularly tough, I don't always like my reactions....self pity, discouragement and confusion just to name a few. But, a wise man taught me that emotions are involuntary, instantaneous reactions. He taught me that I don't need to get hung up on them, but rather that what I choose to do is more important. So, I am choosing to bless the Lord. That is always a good response.
What is going in your life? What seemingly impossible challenges are you facing? Will you take some time with me and bless the Lord?
I love this song by Matt Redman, "10,000 reasons." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jYLTn4fKYQ
I've listened it to several times this week. But, singing along (in between tears) really does encourage my heart. I hope it encourages yours too.
What is going in your life? What seemingly impossible challenges are you facing? Will you take some time with me and bless the Lord?
I love this song by Matt Redman, "10,000 reasons." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jYLTn4fKYQ
I've listened it to several times this week. But, singing along (in between tears) really does encourage my heart. I hope it encourages yours too.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
An Eternal Weight of Glory
Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward [man] is being renewed day by day.
For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding [and] eternal weight of glory,
while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things
which are not seen. For the things which are seen [are] temporary, but
the things which are not seen [are] eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
I long to encourage the hearts of those who are enduring prolonged trials, especially those are ill. What better encouragement is there than to know that our suffering is not in vain? Even if we cannot see the reasons or the fruit of our endurance now. An "ETERNAL weight of glory." When we arrive at eternity, we will know that nothing was wasted...
I know how real the suffering is; sometimes, it can feel overpowering. But, we can know that when that "eternal weight of glory..." is our new reality, that glory will be more than worth our "light affliction, which is but for a moment..."
I long to encourage the hearts of those who are enduring prolonged trials, especially those are ill. What better encouragement is there than to know that our suffering is not in vain? Even if we cannot see the reasons or the fruit of our endurance now. An "ETERNAL weight of glory." When we arrive at eternity, we will know that nothing was wasted...
I know how real the suffering is; sometimes, it can feel overpowering. But, we can know that when that "eternal weight of glory..." is our new reality, that glory will be more than worth our "light affliction, which is but for a moment..."
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Keeping the Main Thing the Main Thing
One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing
that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the
commandments, which is the most important?"
"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:28-31
Things have changed a lot in our home in the last almost two years that I have been ill. Some of the things that were "very" important to me have had to become "not so" important. I used to make the majority of our food from scratch, the kids had very little processed food and sugar was the "s" word. Now, it's not so rare for frozen pizza to be dinner and cheerios to be breakfast. Thirty minutes of media each day used to be the max for the kids. Now... well, let's just say 30 minutes is no longer the max. I no longer make George's lunch for him. I used to iron his dress shirts. Now, after they've sat in the dryer for a couple days and then the laundry basket for a couple more, they go straight into the closet. Ironing was a way to show him that I love him. Now, he knows that pushing myself to get out of bed on a really hard day (which thankfully, seem to be less often) means, "I love you."
With all of those changes, there are two things that have not changed and never will: I am madly in love with Jesus and I am committed to loving the people that He brings across my path. In truth, it is frustrating not being able to do the things I used to, but this illness has given me an opportunity to see the things I can do still. I can choose to point my heart toward Heaven when I feel discouraged: Psalm 121. I can choose to become bitter when it seems that loved ones don't care about what I am going through or I can choose to walk in love and forgiveness. I can choose to yell at my kids and have a pity party when they make a mess and feeling sick makes it extra hard to clean up, or I can ask the Holy Spirit for an extra does of patience and grace.
Although my intentions in the way that I used to show love were good and admirable, giving up those services for awhile will not be on my mind when I see my beautiful Savior face to face. This faithful, loving King that I adore...If He tells me, "Things in your life were pretty crazy in that season and you fell short of a lot of your ideas for yourself, but you kept the main thing, the main thing," it will be worth it all.
Things have changed a lot in our home in the last almost two years that I have been ill. Some of the things that were "very" important to me have had to become "not so" important. I used to make the majority of our food from scratch, the kids had very little processed food and sugar was the "s" word. Now, it's not so rare for frozen pizza to be dinner and cheerios to be breakfast. Thirty minutes of media each day used to be the max for the kids. Now... well, let's just say 30 minutes is no longer the max. I no longer make George's lunch for him. I used to iron his dress shirts. Now, after they've sat in the dryer for a couple days and then the laundry basket for a couple more, they go straight into the closet. Ironing was a way to show him that I love him. Now, he knows that pushing myself to get out of bed on a really hard day (which thankfully, seem to be less often) means, "I love you."
With all of those changes, there are two things that have not changed and never will: I am madly in love with Jesus and I am committed to loving the people that He brings across my path. In truth, it is frustrating not being able to do the things I used to, but this illness has given me an opportunity to see the things I can do still. I can choose to point my heart toward Heaven when I feel discouraged: Psalm 121. I can choose to become bitter when it seems that loved ones don't care about what I am going through or I can choose to walk in love and forgiveness. I can choose to yell at my kids and have a pity party when they make a mess and feeling sick makes it extra hard to clean up, or I can ask the Holy Spirit for an extra does of patience and grace.
Although my intentions in the way that I used to show love were good and admirable, giving up those services for awhile will not be on my mind when I see my beautiful Savior face to face. This faithful, loving King that I adore...If He tells me, "Things in your life were pretty crazy in that season and you fell short of a lot of your ideas for yourself, but you kept the main thing, the main thing," it will be worth it all.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
A History Maker
I haven't written for a while. I want to write to encourage others out of God's heart. I don't want to merely keep a blog chronically my illness. And, to be honest, I haven't had much inspired encouragement to share lately. It's been a rough go recently. I started a new medication that takes a minimum of six weeks to take effect. So, we are waiting hopefully for that to kick in. I also got some test results that show very high mercury levels in my body. My rheumatologist said it's one of the highest he has seen. As, you may know, there is no safe level of mercury for humans. So, I am working on getting rid of very old amalgam fillings and then taking medication to remove the mercury from my body. But, those things take time to show improvement, and in the meantime, well, let's just say it's been hard.
A week and a half ago, I had a bad reaction to either the new medication or a virus or my body just couldn't handle all the sickness any more. I felt worse and worse and then passed out. Poor George couldn't get me to come to (thank God he was home) and called 911. The firemen that initially arrived had a hard time finding a pulse or blood pressure, so they had the paramedics take me to the hospital by ambulance. At the hospital, my blood test came back positive for a possible pulmonary embolism, so I had a CT scan done, which was clear. The doctor told me that just having Lupus can cause that blood test to be positive due to high levels of inflammation. So, since my blood pressure was back to a normal place, I was sent on my way. My family and I decided I needed some extra rest and help for a bit. So, my parents, sister and a friend all juggled some days off and I am going between their homes so that they can help with the kids and I can get some rest.
As you may imagine, I am incredibly grateful for the help, but at the same time, it's all pretty discouraging. I am tired of being sick and tired of not being able to take care of my family.
This week, as I lay in the dentist's chair, I listened to worship music while I was having my fillings replaced. One of the songs that started playing on the borrowed MP3 player, was one of my old favorites, it was Delirious?'s "History Maker." Oh, how that song brought back memories, wonderful memories, memories of singing that song in my college aged years, committing to follow my beautiful King anywhere and be a history maker. And it stirred a lot of emotions. This isn't exactly how I saw my life playing out when I sang that song ten years ago. On the heels of that thought came another, I am being a history maker. It may not be in the way that I imagined it would, but a history maker none the less. I am making Heaven's history book as someone who is depending on Jesus Christ daily and remaining in Him through a very difficult time. I am making history in hell as someone that the enemy of my soul tried to take out, but didn't, because I stood dependent on Jesus Christ.
I am not saying this in a bragging sense. I am saying this because, you too my friend, are making history. Your life may have taken a different course than you imagined. But, if you are living John 15:4-7 by remaining in Him whatever may come, you are making a beautiful history. When we arrive in eternity, the history books of Heaven will be opened and our history will read a lot different than the history books of earth.
We have this promise, "Behold, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to everyone according to what he has done." Revelation 22:12. If that's not enough, read Matthew, 5, 6 and 10, read Ephesians....it's in there over and over again. He will reward our patience in suffering, our love for Him and our representation of Him by loving others.
Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. John 15:4 (emphasis mine)
Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Ephesians 6:13 (emphasis mine)
A week and a half ago, I had a bad reaction to either the new medication or a virus or my body just couldn't handle all the sickness any more. I felt worse and worse and then passed out. Poor George couldn't get me to come to (thank God he was home) and called 911. The firemen that initially arrived had a hard time finding a pulse or blood pressure, so they had the paramedics take me to the hospital by ambulance. At the hospital, my blood test came back positive for a possible pulmonary embolism, so I had a CT scan done, which was clear. The doctor told me that just having Lupus can cause that blood test to be positive due to high levels of inflammation. So, since my blood pressure was back to a normal place, I was sent on my way. My family and I decided I needed some extra rest and help for a bit. So, my parents, sister and a friend all juggled some days off and I am going between their homes so that they can help with the kids and I can get some rest.
As you may imagine, I am incredibly grateful for the help, but at the same time, it's all pretty discouraging. I am tired of being sick and tired of not being able to take care of my family.
This week, as I lay in the dentist's chair, I listened to worship music while I was having my fillings replaced. One of the songs that started playing on the borrowed MP3 player, was one of my old favorites, it was Delirious?'s "History Maker." Oh, how that song brought back memories, wonderful memories, memories of singing that song in my college aged years, committing to follow my beautiful King anywhere and be a history maker. And it stirred a lot of emotions. This isn't exactly how I saw my life playing out when I sang that song ten years ago. On the heels of that thought came another, I am being a history maker. It may not be in the way that I imagined it would, but a history maker none the less. I am making Heaven's history book as someone who is depending on Jesus Christ daily and remaining in Him through a very difficult time. I am making history in hell as someone that the enemy of my soul tried to take out, but didn't, because I stood dependent on Jesus Christ.
I am not saying this in a bragging sense. I am saying this because, you too my friend, are making history. Your life may have taken a different course than you imagined. But, if you are living John 15:4-7 by remaining in Him whatever may come, you are making a beautiful history. When we arrive in eternity, the history books of Heaven will be opened and our history will read a lot different than the history books of earth.
We have this promise, "Behold, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to everyone according to what he has done." Revelation 22:12. If that's not enough, read Matthew, 5, 6 and 10, read Ephesians....it's in there over and over again. He will reward our patience in suffering, our love for Him and our representation of Him by loving others.
Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. John 15:4 (emphasis mine)
Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Ephesians 6:13 (emphasis mine)
Thursday, December 22, 2011
A Change of Perspective - A Personal Update
I doubt many people want to throw a party when they find out that they have an autoimmune disease, but when the doctor called with this latest round of test results confirming that I do indeed have an autoimmune disease, that is exactly what I wanted to do. My husband said that if there was a "congratulations on your autoimmune disease" card, he'd buy it for me.
A few months into this illness, I was terrified that I had an autoimmune disease. There's no quick treatments to make those go away. I was so glad when my initial screening came back negative; I was still hoping for a diagnoses of something curable. Now, fifteen months into this, I'm not picky, I just want a diagnoses.
In September of this year, my frustration level was so high, I was crying out to God, "Where are you? Why aren't you making me well? Get me out of this, I can't take care of my family." Whether it was the Holy Spirit whispering or not, I cannot say for sure, but the words of a song from my preschool teaching days came to me, "Going on bear hunt....we came to a river, can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go around it, gotta go through it, gotta go through it." I remember in that moment, submitting to that fact that I was not going to be instantly healed, but rather that the Holy Spirit was and would keep walking with me right through the middle of this terrible river called chronic illness . He would not give up on me and I promised, once again, not to give up on Him.
So, since I've been looking at a very blurred image for so long, I am thrilled to at least have a bit of a clearer picture. We are not sure which autoimmune disease I have, my doctor is leaning toward Systemic Lupus Erythematosus as my symptoms most resemble that, but he cannot say for sure without further testing.
So for now, I will continue to make this my goal:
And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Saturday, December 17, 2011
God is not Dead nor doth He Sleep
I love Christmas music. This song in particular, has a had a soft spot in my heart the last couple of years. It's based on the poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, "I heard the Bells on Christmas Day." He wrote it after the death of his wife and the crippling of his son during the Civil War. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow knew what it was to suffer.
We can relate to his anger when he says :
And in despair I bowed my head;
"There is no peace on earth," I said;
"For hate is strong
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, goodwill to men!"
But that is not the end, he remembers, we remember, "God is not dead; nor doth He sleep!
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, goodwill to men!"
Balm to our aching, weary souls...God is not dead nor doth He sleep beloved. Be encouraged, be comforted:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bK8xB1opuQ8
We can relate to his anger when he says :
And in despair I bowed my head;
"There is no peace on earth," I said;
"For hate is strong
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, goodwill to men!"
But that is not the end, he remembers, we remember, "God is not dead; nor doth He sleep!
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, goodwill to men!"
Balm to our aching, weary souls...God is not dead nor doth He sleep beloved. Be encouraged, be comforted:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bK8xB1opuQ8
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
It's All Because He Loves Me so much
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?
Hebrews 12:7
The reason that I'm keeping a blog is to encourage others by what God is doing in me during this dark time of chronic sickness. I know that what I'm about to say may not be popular, and I am not trying to change anyone's theology, nevertheless, this is one thing that the Lord has encouraged me with lately.
We don't often equate hardship with God's kindness. Job got an earful from his friends about what hidden sins must be in his life when he endured more hardship than we can imagine. Jesus' disciples were convinced that the blind man in John 9 must have sinned or was born to sinful parents to be born blind. It's not too different today. We hear of God's favor being equated with good things happening from an earthly perspective. Not too many people will tell you how sick they are, depressed they are, how they were laid off, cheated on, foreclosed on, etc and then follow up with, "Isn't it great that I have so much favor from God on my life?! He must really love me to be allowing this." When my husband left for work this morning and my kids came into my room, my achy, feverish body was not saying, "Thank you, Lord for your goodness." I was crying out for help and relief.
But, here it is, "Endure hardship as discipline..." Proverbs 20:30, "Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being." Another favorite: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2-3. Some verses are not so fun to relate to. But beloved of God, I want to remind you that when you are facing unrelenting hardship, you can rest assured that God is working in you and for you; that unrelenting hardship can serve as evidence that God loves you, has adopted you and is refining you.
I often think about David. While he was young, the priest of God anointed David King of Israel, he went on to slay Goliath, the enemy of Israel that everyone else was too scared to face. He was then brought to live in the palace and play music for King Saul. Things went downhill from there. He ran for his life for several years. I'm fairly certain this is not what he imagined for his life. Reading his Psalms tell us that He often cried out, "God, where are you?!"
My friend, I don't know what your hardship is. But, I know how hard it is to face another day knowing that you do not have the strength to do what needs to be done. I have often cried out in this time of chronic illness, "God where are you, why aren't you helping me?" If you are wondering where the evidence of God's love is, I don't judge or criticize you, I am often right there with you. It takes great faith to believe that God is showing us His love by allowing hardship. It is a dark time when you are facing the same illness, pain, depression, loneliness or whatever your hardship is, day after day with no end in sight
We cannot see what God is doing in the darkness. But, we have His promise that He is working in us and for us. We see a precedent of God doing a relentless, refining work in those whom He has great things in store for: Job was richer after his time of great suffering than before, David was king of Israel after years of running, Joseph saved nations by his God-given wisdom and leadership. What does God have in store for us?
To be clear, there is plenty of scripture that tells us that God wants to give us good gifts: James 1:17, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." But, if you are in a season of hardship, you can consider yourself blessed and well favored.
Psalm 142:
1 A Contemplation of David. A Prayer when he was in the cave. I cry out to the Lord with my voice; With my voice to the Lord I make my supplication. 2 I pour out my complaint before Him; I declare before Him my trouble. 3 When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, Then You knew my path. In the way in which I walk They have secretly set a snare for me. 4 Look on my right hand and see, For there is no one who acknowledges me; Refuge has failed me; No one cares for my soul. 5 I cried out to You, O Lord: I said, "You are my refuge, My portion in the land of the living. 6 Attend to my cry, For I am brought very low; Deliver me from my persecutors, For they are stronger than I. 7 Bring my soul out of prison, That I may praise Your name; The righteous shall surround me, For You shall deal bountifully with me."
As always, He is with us, dear friend.
Hebrews 12:7
The reason that I'm keeping a blog is to encourage others by what God is doing in me during this dark time of chronic sickness. I know that what I'm about to say may not be popular, and I am not trying to change anyone's theology, nevertheless, this is one thing that the Lord has encouraged me with lately.
We don't often equate hardship with God's kindness. Job got an earful from his friends about what hidden sins must be in his life when he endured more hardship than we can imagine. Jesus' disciples were convinced that the blind man in John 9 must have sinned or was born to sinful parents to be born blind. It's not too different today. We hear of God's favor being equated with good things happening from an earthly perspective. Not too many people will tell you how sick they are, depressed they are, how they were laid off, cheated on, foreclosed on, etc and then follow up with, "Isn't it great that I have so much favor from God on my life?! He must really love me to be allowing this." When my husband left for work this morning and my kids came into my room, my achy, feverish body was not saying, "Thank you, Lord for your goodness." I was crying out for help and relief.
But, here it is, "Endure hardship as discipline..." Proverbs 20:30, "Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being." Another favorite: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." James 1:2-3. Some verses are not so fun to relate to. But beloved of God, I want to remind you that when you are facing unrelenting hardship, you can rest assured that God is working in you and for you; that unrelenting hardship can serve as evidence that God loves you, has adopted you and is refining you.
I often think about David. While he was young, the priest of God anointed David King of Israel, he went on to slay Goliath, the enemy of Israel that everyone else was too scared to face. He was then brought to live in the palace and play music for King Saul. Things went downhill from there. He ran for his life for several years. I'm fairly certain this is not what he imagined for his life. Reading his Psalms tell us that He often cried out, "God, where are you?!"
My friend, I don't know what your hardship is. But, I know how hard it is to face another day knowing that you do not have the strength to do what needs to be done. I have often cried out in this time of chronic illness, "God where are you, why aren't you helping me?" If you are wondering where the evidence of God's love is, I don't judge or criticize you, I am often right there with you. It takes great faith to believe that God is showing us His love by allowing hardship. It is a dark time when you are facing the same illness, pain, depression, loneliness or whatever your hardship is, day after day with no end in sight
We cannot see what God is doing in the darkness. But, we have His promise that He is working in us and for us. We see a precedent of God doing a relentless, refining work in those whom He has great things in store for: Job was richer after his time of great suffering than before, David was king of Israel after years of running, Joseph saved nations by his God-given wisdom and leadership. What does God have in store for us?
To be clear, there is plenty of scripture that tells us that God wants to give us good gifts: James 1:17, "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." But, if you are in a season of hardship, you can consider yourself blessed and well favored.
Psalm 142:
1 A Contemplation of David. A Prayer when he was in the cave. I cry out to the Lord with my voice; With my voice to the Lord I make my supplication. 2 I pour out my complaint before Him; I declare before Him my trouble. 3 When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, Then You knew my path. In the way in which I walk They have secretly set a snare for me. 4 Look on my right hand and see, For there is no one who acknowledges me; Refuge has failed me; No one cares for my soul. 5 I cried out to You, O Lord: I said, "You are my refuge, My portion in the land of the living. 6 Attend to my cry, For I am brought very low; Deliver me from my persecutors, For they are stronger than I. 7 Bring my soul out of prison, That I may praise Your name; The righteous shall surround me, For You shall deal bountifully with me."
As always, He is with us, dear friend.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Where is My Hope?
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. Psalm 42:11
This is not the type of post I want to make. But, it's real. I have been praying Psalm 42; I have been discouraged. Medically speaking, nothing that's been prescribed/recommended has been helping. It's pretty discouraging to feel that no one can help you. But, that is when the Holy Spirit asks, "Where is your hope?" If it lies in doctors, medicine, nutrition, etc, then I have every reason to despair. If it lies in the living God, the resurrected Christ, the helping Holy Spirit, then my soul can still hope. He has not changed! He is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). The man that walked the earth healing and delivering has not retired.
So, while things may look bleak from my earthly standpoint, I am asking Him to help lift my vision higher. He is faithful and true.
I often worship to this song when I am feeling overwhelmed. When you have a moment, worship with me:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWasM-Wj3Xo
This is not the type of post I want to make. But, it's real. I have been praying Psalm 42; I have been discouraged. Medically speaking, nothing that's been prescribed/recommended has been helping. It's pretty discouraging to feel that no one can help you. But, that is when the Holy Spirit asks, "Where is your hope?" If it lies in doctors, medicine, nutrition, etc, then I have every reason to despair. If it lies in the living God, the resurrected Christ, the helping Holy Spirit, then my soul can still hope. He has not changed! He is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). The man that walked the earth healing and delivering has not retired.
So, while things may look bleak from my earthly standpoint, I am asking Him to help lift my vision higher. He is faithful and true.
I often worship to this song when I am feeling overwhelmed. When you have a moment, worship with me:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWasM-Wj3Xo
Thursday, November 17, 2011
For Fear Of....
On the evening of that day, the first day of the week, the doors being locked where the disciples were for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said to them, "Peace be with you." John 20:19
Peter, John and Mary had just been to the tomb. It was empty. Peter and John went home confused. Mary hung around weeping with grief until she heard that sweet voice say her name...."Mary." The resurrected Jesus revealed himself to her and sent her on to tell the other grieving disciples that their grief could end, "... but go to my brothers and say to them, 'I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.'" Her heart full, she carried that message with joy, "I have seen the Lord," she told them in verse 18.
At this point the disciples know that the tomb is empty, they have heard Mary's story. One would expect them to be filled with joyous anticipation, "Wow! He's risen! What do you think He has planned next?" Yet, in verse 19 we find them locked away "for fear of the Jews." What happened?
I'm not judging them, I can empathize... My family and I have just experienced miraculous events to bring us to a new home in a beautiful area on the coast. Undeniably, miraculous. The details surrounding our move were covered with God's fingerprints. Yet, yesterday when the doctor called and said that for some baffling reason, I am still testing positive for mononucleosis even though it should have been cleared away months ago, I felt that fear, what if it never goes away? What if every day I am feverish, achy and sick? I tried to pray, tried to keep in perspective, but I did not sleep well for fear of.... And yet, I have that resurrected Jesus living inside of me. Where is my joyous expectation of, "All things are possible with God; I wonder what He is going to do?"
My dear friend, can you relate to what I am saying? What is your for fear of? Are you afraid of never getting well, or facing another day with pain, depression or anxiety? Maybe you are facing a more hidden fear, your spouse has proven himself/herself untrustworthy and you wonder what will happen to you and the kids. Maybe it's for fear of not finding a job, never getting married or having children or failing at whatever task that has been placed in front of you. Whatever it is, we are not alone... we have hope, we have Him.
Once again, I pray for His grace to fill us so that we can lay down those fears. In verse 20, He came and stood among the disciple (entered through locked doors) and said, "Peace be with you." He lives inside of you and I and says, "Peace be with you."
Father, we once again entrust our lives to you. We thank You for the ways that You have shown Yourself faithful and for the fact that You are no matter what we see or feel. You are our peace. We embrace you and relinquish these fears to You. You alone can handle them. You alone know the future. Father, help us live this day without fear, help us to live as you created us.
Peter, John and Mary had just been to the tomb. It was empty. Peter and John went home confused. Mary hung around weeping with grief until she heard that sweet voice say her name...."Mary." The resurrected Jesus revealed himself to her and sent her on to tell the other grieving disciples that their grief could end, "... but go to my brothers and say to them, 'I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.'" Her heart full, she carried that message with joy, "I have seen the Lord," she told them in verse 18.
At this point the disciples know that the tomb is empty, they have heard Mary's story. One would expect them to be filled with joyous anticipation, "Wow! He's risen! What do you think He has planned next?" Yet, in verse 19 we find them locked away "for fear of the Jews." What happened?
I'm not judging them, I can empathize... My family and I have just experienced miraculous events to bring us to a new home in a beautiful area on the coast. Undeniably, miraculous. The details surrounding our move were covered with God's fingerprints. Yet, yesterday when the doctor called and said that for some baffling reason, I am still testing positive for mononucleosis even though it should have been cleared away months ago, I felt that fear, what if it never goes away? What if every day I am feverish, achy and sick? I tried to pray, tried to keep in perspective, but I did not sleep well for fear of.... And yet, I have that resurrected Jesus living inside of me. Where is my joyous expectation of, "All things are possible with God; I wonder what He is going to do?"
My dear friend, can you relate to what I am saying? What is your for fear of? Are you afraid of never getting well, or facing another day with pain, depression or anxiety? Maybe you are facing a more hidden fear, your spouse has proven himself/herself untrustworthy and you wonder what will happen to you and the kids. Maybe it's for fear of not finding a job, never getting married or having children or failing at whatever task that has been placed in front of you. Whatever it is, we are not alone... we have hope, we have Him.
Once again, I pray for His grace to fill us so that we can lay down those fears. In verse 20, He came and stood among the disciple (entered through locked doors) and said, "Peace be with you." He lives inside of you and I and says, "Peace be with you."
Father, we once again entrust our lives to you. We thank You for the ways that You have shown Yourself faithful and for the fact that You are no matter what we see or feel. You are our peace. We embrace you and relinquish these fears to You. You alone can handle them. You alone know the future. Father, help us live this day without fear, help us to live as you created us.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Jesus Has Overcome
As I sit feverish and achy, I look around my house and see all that needs to be done by Friday - moving day. The enemy sees a chance to reek havoc with discouragement. My Faithful Father sees a chance to show Himself strong.
At times such as these, it is all too easy for me to lose perspective of what really matters. I turn on some worship music to help regain my focus.... Chris Tomlin's, "I will Rise." One line stands out, "Jesus has overcome..." And there it is, Jesus has already overcome. No matter my circumstances, it has already been done. I don't want to sound trite, but I can say it no other way: nothing else matters. The to-do list fades, the full cupboards stop screaming at me. My Faithful and True has already made provision for every need. Jesus has overcome.
If you have a moment, close your eyes and have a moment of worship with me:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yvfso4Q8xg
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Deliverance - Part 2
Deliverance – Part 2
Ah, that sweet word again. We left the Israelites with the promise in Exodus 14:14, “You need only be still. Let the Lord fight for you.” They were starting to believe that their hopes of deliverance were, literally, about to be drown in the Red Sea. But, God did indeed fulfill His promise of deliverance out of captivity from the Egyptians in a most amazing way.
Some of us may experience deliverance through an all out, unquestionable miracle from God. Others of us may experience deliverance with some help from a doctor, therapist or by other natural means. And some of us will have to wait until Heaven to experience the deliverance we long for. None of us knows when our Red Sea will part. The question I always seem to trip over when pondering that is, what do I do in the meantime? Do I pray in faith, expecting every morning to wake up healed? Or do I simply wait for God, in His sovereignty to heal me?
This may be a simple question for others, but this one has tripped me up for a long time. I would pray, I would receive prayer in accordance with James 5:14-15, I would fully expect my miracle and I would leave still sick. As you may have experienced yourself, this can be a bit disillusioning. I know God still heals, I know He still parts the Red Sea, I’ve seen Him do amazing things. So….where is my deliverance?
God promised the Israelites deliverance from captivity. He also promised us deliverance from our afflictions. The Israelites had to wait a long time to see that promise fulfilled. Many of us are waiting a long time too. Just as His promise in Exodus 14:14 was true, His promises of healing in Isaiah 53:5 and 1 Peter 2:24 are still real. Just as He parted the Red Sea, He will deliver us from this sickness, this pain, this affliction. He alone knows the timing. Trusting Him with that timing can be so hard, especially when the wait is long.
Even as I write this, I have a low fever, my body aches and I would like to lay my head down for a rest. I enjoy glancing at some mommy oriented blogs in my down time. But, times such as these, it feels like a reminder of everything I’m not doing: the healthy, home cooked recipes, the creative home schooling ideas, the character building service projects. Yep, around here, it’s more like “let’s lay down and read a book together,” or “show me what you guys can build with these leggos.” (As I sit here and watch and do the bare minimum to make sure nothing too terrible happens.) My point here is not to whine, but to say, I don’t want to live like this, I want this season to be over. I am doing all I can to recover: I am praying like the persistent widow in Luke 18, I am going to a doctor and a nutritionist, but I am learning to surround all this with surrender to Jesus.
Some of the things that we can rest in and know to be true in this waiting:
1. Hebrews 11:6 Faith pleases God. Even when it seems to be fruitless, it’s not. It pleases Him.
2. Luke 18:1-8 Jesus encourages us to pray even when we want to give up.
3. Isaiah 55:8-11 God is sovereign and at the end of the day, we can trust Him to do what’s best.
Beloved, I do not have answers. But, I understand how hard it is to cry out to Him day after day and feel that the Heavens are brass. May I remind you that we are in good company, the best of company? David prayed it in Psalm 22, Jesus prayed it on the cross, we often pray it in our affliction, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” Yet, David ended that Psalm with recognizing God’s sovereignty, “For kingship belongs to the LORD, and he rules over the nations,” and by declaring that God’s goodness will be proclaimed to generations yet to be born. And, we know how Jesus finished His prayer, “Father, into your hands, I commit my spirit.” Luke 23:46
I pray that we would each have the courage and grace to follow their example and entrust our lives to Him whose very name is Faithful and True (Revelation 19:11). When that beautiful day comes, and we gaze upon His face, we will be glad that we did.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Thankful Heart
Last week, my my four year old son didn't want to say his prayers at bedtime. And I didn't want to force him since prayer is a heart issue, but I did want to emphasize the importance of prayer. I asked him, "What if, when you wake up tomorrow, the only things you have are the things that you thanked God for today?" He thought for a moment and then prayed, "Dear God, thank you for everything. Amen."
So, this Monday morning, I am thankful for:
A Leap Frog Movie that bought me 20 minutes of extra rest
A hot cup of coffee
A date with my hubby in the midst of the craziness
A mom who is willing to make the date possible
Oatmeal, a quick, easy breakfast for the kids with no guilt residue
Two sweet children that enjoy playing together
And of course, Grace - to do what I can, even when it's not all that I "should"
What are you grateful for today?
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Why Blog About a Sick Mom?
I love the way that I can type just about anything into a google search engine and in just moments, have loads of information. It takes time to refine that information and pick out the worthwhile stuff. For the last year, I’ve been doing lots of that: searching, sorting, keeping, tossing and repeat. I’ve looked up every chronic illness I came even close to resembling and then kept lists of the symptoms and test results to confirm or rule out. About two months ago, my search changed from how to diagnose and treat to how to trust God with, how to live well with chronic illness. There are some very good websites to encourage the chronically ill. There are chat rooms and forums to encourage and commiserate. But, I found one thing lacking. Most of these did not address life as a mom to small children while chronically ill. Probably because most people are diagnosed before having children and therefore do not have them or are diagnosed when their children are older. But, I stumbled upon this one blog… and I actually held my breath for a moment. And then I cried. And then I read some more. This woman could’ve been me. She was a loving wife and homeschooling mom with young children who has an autoimmune disease that leaves her with daily fever, pain and fatigue. But, on top, underneath and all around that, she is a Jesus loving, Jesus trusting, joyfilled Christian who is trusting in her Heavenly Father to bring her through this trial. I was inspired.
I try very hard to tuck away my illness from sight. For my husband, who so graciously picks up the slack left by my illness, it is impossible to hide. But, from those that I only see or speak to for short times, I want to encourage and bring joy, not highlight how ill I feel. But after reading another mom’s story, I am beginning to dream about how the Holy Spirit may want to encourage others through my journey. Although I do not want to bring attention to my illness, I do want to bring light to His strength in my weakness.
So for now, I pray that you would be encouraged that this Jesus loving, Jesus trusting wife and mother who happens to be, at the present quite ill, is still committed to following hard after Jesus, to loving her family and to representing Jesus well to those He brings across her path.
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